I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
