your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
