Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single