I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.