I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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