remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
