Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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