I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
