Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize