dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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