After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
