I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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