i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
