Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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