She's JV to your varsity
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
