Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
