he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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