Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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