i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
