Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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