closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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