I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
