People in love make me want to vomit
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
