i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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