Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
