I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
