im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
