hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
the raccoons are back...
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