I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
