I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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