at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
