two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
