I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
