after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
