So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
