turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
