Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
