when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee