while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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