Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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