I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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