Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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