I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
