Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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