Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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