Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
