I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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