so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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