Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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