Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
