her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
