I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
