she woke up with a sticky ear
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
