I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
