Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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