I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
